April 10th, 2015.
So, going to help a confession, everyone’s trying to hide how they’re weak and hurting.
Thoughts and Notes:
1) No One Wants Change:
1) Taking his hand, then letting go, as if it’s not a big deal, but lonely Hachiman must fixate on it.
2) That note passing took more time than strictly necessary, when both Yukino and Hachiman held onto it.
3) Showing us Kawasaki. If you’re already invested in something, you’d sacrifice all else for it. So what is Ebina trying to protect? Her trying group setup? Some current love?
Or maybe referring to Miura having her group, and not wishing for it to be ruined.
4) Sad Ebina is also acting strange.
5) “The perfect place to be asked out.” – “Why the passive voice?” – Silly Hikki, it’s not romantic in Yui’s dreams to do the asking. And this is it in a nutshell, with everyone wanting to be asked, rather than do the asking.
6) Everyone’s acting weird, since it’ll disrupt their group, but Hachiman thought of Hayama when he said that, no doubt. He’s the one not acting in his usual manner.
2) The Great Lie:
1) “It doesn’t matter what I think. No one cares about my thoughts.” – Way to pass judgment, then, Hikki, when you don’t have to think of sympathy or empathy, or see your actions as reflected by others. Looking at your actions as if they don’t have repercussions, and looking at others’ actions without considering their motives.
2) “I don’t know what he’s trying to protect, but that’s good. Not knowing lets me do things nobody else can.” – Yes, the cultivated indifference that lets you trample others’ feelings, because it’s much harder to do so when you’re aware of it. Or at least, go with it and not hate yourself.
Which is why it’s a lie. Hikki knows what it is he’s crushing, and he’s going forward with it in part because he hates himself.
3) Hachiman is being trusted. His own little area where there’s tension between the desire for things to change, and for them to remain forever static.
4) See, Hikki knows. But supposedly not knowing and being part of their group, he can be “hurt”, because he’s not hurt. Which is of course, another lie.
3) Everybody Hurts:
1) What is Hayama sorry for? He knows Hikki only does things by hurting himself. He made a request of Hikki, even though he knew it’d be Hikki cutting into his own flesh to help him, and he asked him all the same.
“I don’t want your damn apologies.” – This isn’t, “There’s nothing to apologize for,” but, “The cost is so high. And you knew this would be the cost. You don’t get to apologize to me, you bastard.”
2) I do wonder why everyone is acting as if Hikki is super-hurt, though. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but almost everyone involved, if not everyone, knows it was just a fake asking. So, not a real turn down either.
3) Why hate the way it was down? Because it trampled over that moment of Tobe and Ebina? Because they couldn’t see things through to the end on their own? What’s wrong, this time around? I think Yukino hates it for a different reason, because of the in-show story, where Hachiman threw himself to be trampled for the sake of others, not thinking of his own feelings, acting as if there are none. Hachiman’s pain is what Yukinon hates.
4) Hachiman, admitting to himself he’s just like everyone else. Making arguments to please others. Acting to maintain the illusion of a group. But is a group anything more than the illusion of one? But it’s not just about Hayama’s group, but also what he’s telling Yui, to maintain their group.
5) And again with Yui, “How can you not spare a thought for how someone feels? I never wanted to see something like this.” – Who’s this “how someone feels”? It’s everyone. It’s Tobe seeing someone else confess to the girl he likes just as he mustered the courage for it. It’s Ebina being confessed to by someone she doesn’t like, in public. It’s Yui and Yukino who see Hachiman confess and get rejected. And of course, it’s Hachiman who tramples his own feelings for the status quo. All those things are things Yui did not want to see, and which Hachiman trampled, as “unimportant,” in his quest to get the best solution for everyone involved. Except their feelings.
4) Fear and Self Loathing:
1) Ah, the joys of receiving two contradictory requests. Hayama was in the same position. In a way, that’s a metaphor for all confessions within a group of friends, the desire to maintain the status quo versus the desire to push for new things.
2) “I like how you’re so open with people who don’t matter.” – “What a coincidence, I like that part of me too.” Oh you! Also, you could see Hachiman’s shock at hearing Ebina say she doesn’t like herself. Which is what he doesn’t get, how others are constantly shocked and hurt when he acts like that about himself.
“I’m like that too, I like how I’m capable of saying things that don’t matter.” – Meaning, no repercussions, when you don’t have to consider others’ feelings. But there are repercussions, of course. Always.
3) “I like how things currently are, and that’s why I hate myself.” – Hachiman is sort of the reverse, “I hate myself, and that’s why I like how things currently are.”
4) So, why is Hachiman the biggest liar? Two reasons. First, he lied to protect things he doesn’t care for, rather than things he did. Second, he lied by saying he doesn’t have things he cares about, while he obviously does – unlike others, he’s also lying to himself. And I just lied to you too, because there’s another reason. He’s the biggest liar because he’s a hypocrite. Others lie in a manner that fits their goals, and never said they hate the lie called society. Hikki did, and still lied. His entire philosophy is a lie. And he knows it.
So how does it work? “Everyone has something they will protect at all cost, even lie to maintain it.” – Hikki’s not trying to protect something and thus lies, Hikki’s trying to protect the lie. The one called “his comfortable and emotionless solitude.”
Personally, everyone’s acting as if Hachiman’s fake-confession crushed his own spirit, as if he suffered terribly for it. But everyone knew it was a fake confession, and Hachiman knew everyone knew. But it’s not the actual act that matters, but it as symbolic for his disregard for his feelings, and for others’, and for others’ feelings about him.
In other words, it was symbolic for The Lie, with capital letters, that Hachiman does not believe, but must live. For to admit the lie now will be to lose all that he is. It’s the only way he could embark on a new road, but as this episode told us, it’s just so hard to let go of the status quo. You’d be willing to live a lie, to be a hypocrite, to avoid it.